That said, this post is not for ones with weak stomachs. Remember: no sugar coating.
G is the best husband in the world. I don't have any other husbands to compare to, but I truly feel God's love through G. He's such a team player and is always looking out for me. I signed G and I up for a 8 week birthing class on how to deliver naturally. 8 weeks!!! 2.5 hours each week!!! I mean, most men would put up such a fight (I assume - even I didn't want to go to a 8 week class) but not G. Sure, he was groaning a bit but he never made me feel like I was in it alone.
The birthing class taught us how to breath, what relaxation and calming techniques to use, the medical terms on the process of labor, etc. But in the 8 weeks of classes, it never went into detail about these few things during and post pregnancy:
1. POOP. Yes, I mentioned before in my earlier post and I'll mention it again. You'll poop - the human trying to come out will be pushing on all your organs including the colon. FUN. You're stuck with two evils. On one hand, if you don't eat anything before hand, you will be exhausted during your labor. On the other hand, if you eat, you will poop. There's no guarantee that you won't poop if you don't eat either so I went ahead and loaded up on Jack in the Box. I know, I know. I'm sorry for the nurses who had to clean up my shit. Literally. But they do a pretty good job in cleaning up quickly and using a ton of aromatherapy to avoid smells. The beauty of our brain is, at the time of said event, you won't care. You can't care. Every ounce of your body will be focused on getting the human out. And that's more important than your dignity. Sort of.
2. EDEMA. Most women do not experience this. Apparently, I just don't know how to push. You can push from your chest - like you're pooping or push from your head - like you're trying to pop your ears. I did the latter. The combination of lots of fluid and antibiotics along with the "incorrect" pushing caused me to blow up. BLOW UP. Not only did my blood vessels explode in my eyes, face, neck and shoulders, all the fluid rushed to my extremities and I looked like a blow up doll - just not the sexy kind. When it feels like death trying to get out of your body, I don't know anyone who consciously thinks about pushing the "correct" way.
I should have known something was up when I couldn't open my eyes (i thought it was just puffy from crying) and when the midwife told me very gently, "Don't look in the mirror for a few days". And guess what my obedient self did as soon as I got moved to my room? Towel was a good thing to pack and hung well over the mirror for the next few days.
3a. HEMORRHOIDS. With number one and the pushing in number two combined, it creates the hell that is hemorrhoids. This is the ONE thing that my survival mechanism cannot block out. I can't even begin to explain. And there's just no avoiding it! I mean, you could be lucky and avoid the first two but number three. Number three is something I wish for on the worst of people. like terrorists. This pain in my ass (pun intended) stayed around even wayyyy after the baby - like five months after. You figure all this crap disappears after a few weeks but not this asshole. (Pun unintended). The donut pillow was what saved me from pain. I carried it with me to the hospital when Emma was in the NICU and during her feedings.
3b. POOP. AGAIN. After your body recovers from the initial shock of having a baby, your organs will slowly go back to its normal routine. Including pooping. Unless your poop comes out like water (which in itself is horrible), be ready to welcome hemorrhoids again. Reliving your worst nightmare. Every.single.BM. Drugs and fiber are your friends...my friend. And prayer.
4. DIAPERS/PEE BAG. Mommy diapers. Because pooping in front of people doesn't kill your pride and bring you to your knees, you now get mommy diapers. Since your hooha is tore up from the floor up, you will be bleeding/spotting/peeing without your control. Not to mention that your love cave will be burning/sore/in pain. The hospital will give you mesh granny panties, some witch hazel pads, a peri bottle and pads. Once you've embraced the mommy diapers, you'll figure out what combination will best soothe and heal your lady parts. Hence, you'll need a pee bag with those goodies when you have to go back and forth from the hospital, dr. office, etc. I had a set at home and a set in a giant makeup bag. Never left home without it.
5. POSTPARTUM/HORMONES. I will assume you know about delivering the placenta. No? Real quick. After you've pushed out your baby, you still have contractions to push out the placenta. Some people say it was painful, others don't know it happened but for me, it was painless. Well, I guess comparably to having JUST pushed out a human, a slimy gooyi organ seemed painless. I decided to turn my placenta into pills (save THAT story for another post) and usually you're supposed to get them a few days after your birth - to help with regulating your hormones. But I didn't get them till about a week later and I swear, that first week, I felt crazy. With Emma in the hospital for jaundice, I cried every few hours. Not the pretty movie cry, the snot and sobbing cry. And I was paranoid about SIDS. Hormones made me doubt or second guess myself and also get upset with people who were only trying to help. It made me feel like people were out to tell me I wasn't a good mom. I am one of the ones who had a short postpartum but it's not a myth so if you ever feel depressed, upset, sad, etc. Its encouraged to talk to a professional about it. This is all a part of the process. Like poop.
5. BREASTFEEDING. Last but not least, the most natural and wonderful and amazing thing in the world that every mom has to do!!!! (Please tell me you can hear my sarcasm) In all seriousness, I believe in breastfeeding. Before Emma, my goal/desire was to breastfeed for a year. AT LEAST. after Emma, I made it to two and a half months before I cried tears of joy in deciding to quit breastfeeding. Women on the web are MEAN! Of course, not all women but the ones who are super opinionated, hiding behind a computer screen, trying to push their belief onto others are MEAN! And it's not just about breastfeeding. It's about CIO (cry it out) sleep method, foods to feed, letting kids watch tv, etc. My motto is, if you are doing what you think is best for you and your family, GREAT! I digress. No one tells you that the baby doesn't automatically latch onto your boob after one or two tries. No one tells you that your boobies don't automatically pump milk. No one tells you that your boobies can harden, cause fevers, get clogged ducts and be so painful that you'll trade going through labor again if it meant your boobies never gets any problems. Emma didn't latch well 90% of the time. We had to clip her tongue. We met with consultants. But as much as I loved the skin to skin and bonding that breastfeeding gave to me and Emma, I got to a point where I started resenting my sweet sweet baby girl because she "wasn't doing something". I got clogged ducts on both breasts and I swear on multiple ducts - and to release the pressure, you have to unclog the damn ducts using a sterile pin. A PIN!!! I pricked my boobs so many times and it just never helped. You also have to massage giant knots on your breasts that took turns hardening and it hardens up to your armpits where you can't put your arms down. I sobbed while breastfeeding so much, that G just put his foot down and "forced" me to quit. And when I agreed to quit, a HUGE HUGE load was lifted off my shoulders.
I mean, I can go on for hours about breastfeeding and how horrible it was for me. But when I get baby number two, I hope for a different experience. My friends were able to breastfeed for over a year with very minimal pain. Some can't make it to a month. Everyone is different and once I accepted that going to formula did not make me a bad mother, it made me a happier mom, wife and person. The decision is up to you and no one should be able to judge you on your decision. Again, if its best for you and your family, GREAT!
7. Last but not least, SEX. (Emma, go play somewhere for a bit and come back when you're 30) Ladies. Here is my belief: the stronger and happier your marriage, the happier the family. I am a mother but I am also a wife, daughter, sister and friend. I can't disregard the last four and focus on being only a mother. For six weeks, you cannot have sex. Most people say you don't want to, but "most people" just might not like sex. For SIX weeks, you have to wait and you imagine the first time you have sex after the baby, it's going to be like meeting an old friend. HA! Sex is no bueno the first time. As a woman, you don't feel sexy with the extra 10-15 pounds of post baby weight, it can be painful with your hooha still recovering from stitches, your boobies are leaking (again, not sexy), and you can't help but wonder at least once if your baby is okay. Still, practice makes perfect. As a wife to a breathing male, it's important to work through any issues and continue to have that intimate moment with your husband. Sex after baby might not immediately be great but it'll get there.
Now, doesn't this post make you want to go out and make a baby?! All kidding aside, knowing all of this, I will fully and happily volunteer to have a baby number two. Knowing that any woman giving birth is going through one or all of these things gives me strength. Women are strong and going through these similar situations allows us to come together. Emma is the most amazing, beautiful, sweet baby EVER!!! I'm being bias, I know. Still, with all of the horrible things I mentioned above, I would never trade back Emma for my pre-baby, pre-trama self. While you sit at home crying about your ass or boobs, your baby girl will grab your finger and smile and you'll melt and realize she's a gazillion times worth the hell your body went through. God, you're a genius, I tell You.
3b. POOP. AGAIN. After your body recovers from the initial shock of having a baby, your organs will slowly go back to its normal routine. Including pooping. Unless your poop comes out like water (which in itself is horrible), be ready to welcome hemorrhoids again. Reliving your worst nightmare. Every.single.BM. Drugs and fiber are your friends...my friend. And prayer.
4. DIAPERS/PEE BAG. Mommy diapers. Because pooping in front of people doesn't kill your pride and bring you to your knees, you now get mommy diapers. Since your hooha is tore up from the floor up, you will be bleeding/spotting/peeing without your control. Not to mention that your love cave will be burning/sore/in pain. The hospital will give you mesh granny panties, some witch hazel pads, a peri bottle and pads. Once you've embraced the mommy diapers, you'll figure out what combination will best soothe and heal your lady parts. Hence, you'll need a pee bag with those goodies when you have to go back and forth from the hospital, dr. office, etc. I had a set at home and a set in a giant makeup bag. Never left home without it.
5. POSTPARTUM/HORMONES. I will assume you know about delivering the placenta. No? Real quick. After you've pushed out your baby, you still have contractions to push out the placenta. Some people say it was painful, others don't know it happened but for me, it was painless. Well, I guess comparably to having JUST pushed out a human, a slimy gooyi organ seemed painless. I decided to turn my placenta into pills (save THAT story for another post) and usually you're supposed to get them a few days after your birth - to help with regulating your hormones. But I didn't get them till about a week later and I swear, that first week, I felt crazy. With Emma in the hospital for jaundice, I cried every few hours. Not the pretty movie cry, the snot and sobbing cry. And I was paranoid about SIDS. Hormones made me doubt or second guess myself and also get upset with people who were only trying to help. It made me feel like people were out to tell me I wasn't a good mom. I am one of the ones who had a short postpartum but it's not a myth so if you ever feel depressed, upset, sad, etc. Its encouraged to talk to a professional about it. This is all a part of the process. Like poop.
5. BREASTFEEDING. Last but not least, the most natural and wonderful and amazing thing in the world that every mom has to do!!!! (Please tell me you can hear my sarcasm) In all seriousness, I believe in breastfeeding. Before Emma, my goal/desire was to breastfeed for a year. AT LEAST. after Emma, I made it to two and a half months before I cried tears of joy in deciding to quit breastfeeding. Women on the web are MEAN! Of course, not all women but the ones who are super opinionated, hiding behind a computer screen, trying to push their belief onto others are MEAN! And it's not just about breastfeeding. It's about CIO (cry it out) sleep method, foods to feed, letting kids watch tv, etc. My motto is, if you are doing what you think is best for you and your family, GREAT! I digress. No one tells you that the baby doesn't automatically latch onto your boob after one or two tries. No one tells you that your boobies don't automatically pump milk. No one tells you that your boobies can harden, cause fevers, get clogged ducts and be so painful that you'll trade going through labor again if it meant your boobies never gets any problems. Emma didn't latch well 90% of the time. We had to clip her tongue. We met with consultants. But as much as I loved the skin to skin and bonding that breastfeeding gave to me and Emma, I got to a point where I started resenting my sweet sweet baby girl because she "wasn't doing something". I got clogged ducts on both breasts and I swear on multiple ducts - and to release the pressure, you have to unclog the damn ducts using a sterile pin. A PIN!!! I pricked my boobs so many times and it just never helped. You also have to massage giant knots on your breasts that took turns hardening and it hardens up to your armpits where you can't put your arms down. I sobbed while breastfeeding so much, that G just put his foot down and "forced" me to quit. And when I agreed to quit, a HUGE HUGE load was lifted off my shoulders.
I mean, I can go on for hours about breastfeeding and how horrible it was for me. But when I get baby number two, I hope for a different experience. My friends were able to breastfeed for over a year with very minimal pain. Some can't make it to a month. Everyone is different and once I accepted that going to formula did not make me a bad mother, it made me a happier mom, wife and person. The decision is up to you and no one should be able to judge you on your decision. Again, if its best for you and your family, GREAT!
7. Last but not least, SEX. (Emma, go play somewhere for a bit and come back when you're 30) Ladies. Here is my belief: the stronger and happier your marriage, the happier the family. I am a mother but I am also a wife, daughter, sister and friend. I can't disregard the last four and focus on being only a mother. For six weeks, you cannot have sex. Most people say you don't want to, but "most people" just might not like sex. For SIX weeks, you have to wait and you imagine the first time you have sex after the baby, it's going to be like meeting an old friend. HA! Sex is no bueno the first time. As a woman, you don't feel sexy with the extra 10-15 pounds of post baby weight, it can be painful with your hooha still recovering from stitches, your boobies are leaking (again, not sexy), and you can't help but wonder at least once if your baby is okay. Still, practice makes perfect. As a wife to a breathing male, it's important to work through any issues and continue to have that intimate moment with your husband. Sex after baby might not immediately be great but it'll get there.
Now, doesn't this post make you want to go out and make a baby?! All kidding aside, knowing all of this, I will fully and happily volunteer to have a baby number two. Knowing that any woman giving birth is going through one or all of these things gives me strength. Women are strong and going through these similar situations allows us to come together. Emma is the most amazing, beautiful, sweet baby EVER!!! I'm being bias, I know. Still, with all of the horrible things I mentioned above, I would never trade back Emma for my pre-baby, pre-trama self. While you sit at home crying about your ass or boobs, your baby girl will grab your finger and smile and you'll melt and realize she's a gazillion times worth the hell your body went through. God, you're a genius, I tell You.
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