I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
- Elizabeth Barrett Browning
Sonnet 43
When Emma was first placed in my arms, she was this tiny, warm and slimy baby. I remembered I was crying, or rather, making crying noises as I used up all my tears in labor and thought how amazing it was to have this little person in my arms. In all the chaos, when the baby was put on my chest, I forgot that I had just gone through three hours of unthinkable pain. Here she was, having gone through trauma herself, resting on my chest and I remember thinking, seriously? Seriously? She's here. She's mine and she's here. This baby girl with her newborn cry and her tiny fingers and hands was a gift from God.
I look back and I am so thankful to God for EVERY step of my life, pregnancy, labor and currently Emma. I always tell her at night before she goes to sleep, "Mommy loves you, Daddy loves you and most of all, God loves you." It didn't happen immediately, the crazy fierce love that mommies have. The love I have for Emma had been changing, growing and evolving through every stage in my life. The love and excitement when I first found out I was pregnant changed as I was growing and changed again when I felt her move and kick and again when she was born. In a similar sequence, the love I have for Emma changed from when she was first placed in my arms, to when she was in the NICU, to having her stare at me and smile and so on. Sure, some people must fall in love with their child with that fierce love when they first meet the baby but not everyone falls in love at first sight.
I think God made us so we fall deeper in love with each other as we sacrifice and go through life together. I want to say I love all human kind but I can't. Dear reader, if we've never experienced anything together, never laughed together, cried together in a certain degree, how will we share any bond and fall in love? Going through the labor of giving birth, sleepless nights, the dependency of a newborn, allows us to fall in love with our child to the depths of our souls. Mothers who go through the labor of adoption and its process fall into the same categories. Human kind is all connected first and foremost by God. I know He says, love your brother. Its not the easiest thing but if we know we've gone through life experiencing happiness, sadness and hardships, we share a bond that allows us to love.
I digress. My point was to share how much my soul loves my dear girl. How all mothers say "you'll understand when you have your own kids" and my mom's right. I have a better insight to the things mom said and to the things mom did.
"I love thee with the breath, Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death." Ms. Browning couldn't have said it better. I know that this poem is meant for lovers but love is love. And I'll love her forever.
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