How I love thee...

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

- Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Sonnet 43

When Emma was first placed in my arms, she was this tiny, warm and slimy baby. I remembered I was crying, or rather, making crying noises as I used up all my tears in labor and thought how amazing it was to have this little person in my arms. In all the chaos, when the baby was put on my chest, I forgot that I had just gone through three hours of unthinkable pain. Here she was, having gone through trauma herself, resting on my chest and I remember thinking, seriously? Seriously? She's here. She's mine and she's here. This baby girl with her newborn cry and her tiny fingers and hands was a gift from God. 

I look back and I am so thankful to God for EVERY step of my life, pregnancy, labor and currently Emma. I always tell her at night before she goes to sleep, "Mommy loves you, Daddy loves you and most of all, God loves you." It didn't happen immediately, the crazy fierce love that mommies have. The love I have for Emma had been changing, growing and evolving through every stage in my life. The love and excitement when I first found out I was pregnant changed as I was growing and changed again when I felt her move and kick and again when she was born. In a similar sequence, the love I have for Emma changed from when she was first placed in my arms, to when she was in the NICU, to having her stare at me and smile and so on. Sure, some people must fall in love with their child with that fierce love when they first meet the baby but not everyone falls in love at first sight. 

I think God made us so we fall deeper in love with each other as we sacrifice and go through life together. I want to say I love all human kind but I can't. Dear reader, if we've never experienced anything together, never laughed together, cried together in a certain degree, how will we share any bond and fall in love? Going through the labor of giving birth, sleepless nights, the dependency of a newborn, allows us to fall in love with our child to the depths of our souls. Mothers who go through the labor of adoption and its process fall into the same categories. Human kind is all connected first and foremost by God. I know He says, love your brother. Its not the easiest thing but if we know we've gone through life experiencing happiness, sadness and hardships, we share a bond that allows us to love. 

I digress. My point was to share how much my soul loves my dear girl. How all mothers say "you'll understand when you have your own kids" and my mom's right. I have a better insight to the things mom said and to the things mom did. 

"I love thee with the breath, Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death." Ms. Browning couldn't have said it better. I know that this poem is meant for lovers but love is love. And I'll love her forever. 

The First Week

I'm going to be honest with you. Its only been 5 months since Emma graced us with her presence but I can't remember the detail of the first few months with Emma, nor did I keep track of all the new experiences and things I went through. I don't know a first time mom who kept a journal or kept track of all of their experiences and memories - most of the time, I was a zombie and emotionally frazzled and focused on keeping Emma healthy, alive and in keeping myself from falling apart.

Looking back, the first few months went by fast. I know at the time, each day felt like a week. The first week and a half was draining. I was supposed to be at home, bonding and recovering from being torn apart but I spent that week going back and forth from the hospital, to the labs, to NICU back home and then back to the hospital. Emma had jaundice. Since she was born a month early, she didn't learn how to suck and wasn't eating a lot - or maybe I wasn't making enough milk. Either way, she couldn't flush out the bilirubin and had to go to the hospital. Let me tell you, even though jaundice is a very common and very treatable disease, seeing your newborn wearing those "sunglasses" in a NICU incubator is so heartbreaking! I felt really bad as I was bawling in the NICU while other parents who had babies in worse condition were looking over. I'm sure they woulda traded situations in a heartbeat. Still, without comparing, just going through that makes your heart ache a bit and I don't think its terrible to feel horrible for your baby.

Emma's poor heel.

Emma had to check her blood multiple times to make sure her bilirubin count wasn't going up and that meant heel pricks. They had to draw blood from her heel and she had so many holes in her heels from all the needle pricks. And of course, the labs are at a different location than the doctor's office or the hospital. So imagine going from doctor's office, to the labs, then back home to wait for results, then back to the NICU. All in the first week of coming home. It was emotionally, physically and mentally draining. I am surprised G handled it so well. I seriously cried EVERY few hours - I mean, like snot running, bawling cry. Even at restaurants, esp. when there was a baby in the room. People must have thought that G first beats me up, since my face was still swollen and eyes bloodshot, and then that he must be breaking up with me cuz I was just crying in my food. You'd think "at least you got sleep at night since the baby's in the hospital" - but no. I was pumping every two to three hours to collect as much milk as I could to give to Emma. Otherwise, the nurses would feed her formula. I did pretty good - even waking up in the middle of the night to pump. The mister would wake with me to get me food. Did you know breastfeeding makes you hungry? Like immediately. You'd start pumping and suddenly, its like you haven't eaten anything for days.

So that was my first week - pumping, crying, visiting Emma and crying some more. I'm surprised that I didn't get sick from the lack of sleep and the stress. I could have avoided the whole ordeal if I supplemented a bit at home - and if I knew that babies needed to be woken up every 1.5 to 2 hours to eat. Emma was a month early so all she wanted to do was sleep and not eat. I thought she'd wake on her own.

Anyways, we got the green light to finally go home. After multiple doc visits, lab visits and two separate visits to the NICU, Emma was FINALLY home. The whole experience cost us around 30K (not including the 30K for the actual delivery) pre insurance. We paid a few thousand after insurance covered most of the costs. FEW thousand that could have been saved if only I knew to wake the baby and feed her, even give supplements. People these days are so crazy about breastfeeding that they think its a sin to give your baby formula. That's another post, on another day.

I learned a few things through this experience.
1. Hospitals have awesome pumps and collect as much free things they give to you. (esp. since the visits costs an arm and a leg)
2. Having a supportive husband is the most important to your sanity. Mine's a rockstar.
3. Formula is that helping hand when your boobies are dragging their feet.
4. Donut/airplane pillows are a lifesaver. I had to sit in hospital chairs and my asshole would be in so much pain without it. Seriously, hemorrhoids are the worst! (again, yes, I said it - most women will get them if they have to push a human out of their hooha)

Emma, you're welcome.