Sleepless in California

I heard it from almost EVERY parent. "Get as much sleep as you can!!" I mean, how can you really stock up on sleep before a baby? Pre-Emma, I understood that with a new baby, sleep was going to be a luxury. But c'mon, all parents do it - how hard could it be? I remember pulling all nighters, going out till 3/4am to party and still able to function at 7am (if forced) all in my early to mid 20's. Getting enough sleep was the last of my worries. Then, BOOM, April 1st happened.

And now being in the trenches with a 5.5mo old Emma, I can tell you that you REALLY don't know how important and WONDERFUL sleep is...till you're in the thick of it.

It didn't register to me that the clock for losing sleep starts when you're in the third trimester. You can't get comfortable with a giant belly or with a baby that wakes you up with kicks at nights or pushes on your bladder at nights, etc. But that's only mild disturbances of sleep - your body is getting you prepped for what's to come. Going through labor is the wake up call of losing sleep. You'd think after all the hard work of pushing out a baby, you'd be rewarded with some rest. HA. Emma said, no way - I needed to be awake every few hours and feed her. I don't think I slept longer than 3 hours at a time for that first few weeks, if at that. Adrenaline can get you so far...then you need to rely on friends and family for sleep. When you have your mother or in laws offering to watch her, pass her off and jump into bed as fast as you can!! You can get a good two hours of sleep before Emma needs your boobies you for a feeding.

Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months and with this broken up, cat naps we called sleep, I was crabby, had bags under my eyes and got some sort of insomnia and it took me 20-30 mins to fall asleep only to be woken up within another 30 mins to feed and repeat the cycle. I think sleep deprivation is a type of torture. Adrenaline helped me to function in the beginning but what really really helped was Emma. I don't sleep and I get irritable but as soon as I go into her room to pick her up in the morning, I get this amazing smile from this happy baby that helps me forget how tired I am.

I don't know if it gets better. I've heard rumors, myths that it gets better - where we'd get a chunk of consistent sleep for a few days but those are only rumors right now. I've gotten 5 hours one night when Emma slept from 10pm to 3am - that was amazing. Another time, I got to sleep another chunk of time because I was sick. Haha Sleep has become such a luxury that the hubby was so thankful to get a full nights sleep, uninterrupted for his birthday.

When or IF it does get better, and sleeping 6/7 hours straight becomes reality, I'll look back and still be grateful for this no sleep period. The no sleep period meant I got to hold Emma while she slept or ate. I got to cry bond with her, be her support when she needed me and really experience this whole MOM thing to its fullest. (Plus, other moms are going through the same thing - misery loves company.)

How I love thee...

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

- Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Sonnet 43

When Emma was first placed in my arms, she was this tiny, warm and slimy baby. I remembered I was crying, or rather, making crying noises as I used up all my tears in labor and thought how amazing it was to have this little person in my arms. In all the chaos, when the baby was put on my chest, I forgot that I had just gone through three hours of unthinkable pain. Here she was, having gone through trauma herself, resting on my chest and I remember thinking, seriously? Seriously? She's here. She's mine and she's here. This baby girl with her newborn cry and her tiny fingers and hands was a gift from God. 

I look back and I am so thankful to God for EVERY step of my life, pregnancy, labor and currently Emma. I always tell her at night before she goes to sleep, "Mommy loves you, Daddy loves you and most of all, God loves you." It didn't happen immediately, the crazy fierce love that mommies have. The love I have for Emma had been changing, growing and evolving through every stage in my life. The love and excitement when I first found out I was pregnant changed as I was growing and changed again when I felt her move and kick and again when she was born. In a similar sequence, the love I have for Emma changed from when she was first placed in my arms, to when she was in the NICU, to having her stare at me and smile and so on. Sure, some people must fall in love with their child with that fierce love when they first meet the baby but not everyone falls in love at first sight. 

I think God made us so we fall deeper in love with each other as we sacrifice and go through life together. I want to say I love all human kind but I can't. Dear reader, if we've never experienced anything together, never laughed together, cried together in a certain degree, how will we share any bond and fall in love? Going through the labor of giving birth, sleepless nights, the dependency of a newborn, allows us to fall in love with our child to the depths of our souls. Mothers who go through the labor of adoption and its process fall into the same categories. Human kind is all connected first and foremost by God. I know He says, love your brother. Its not the easiest thing but if we know we've gone through life experiencing happiness, sadness and hardships, we share a bond that allows us to love. 

I digress. My point was to share how much my soul loves my dear girl. How all mothers say "you'll understand when you have your own kids" and my mom's right. I have a better insight to the things mom said and to the things mom did. 

"I love thee with the breath, Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death." Ms. Browning couldn't have said it better. I know that this poem is meant for lovers but love is love. And I'll love her forever. 

What they don't teach you in birthing class...

I love how God created us to forget er rather, have a hard time remembering. I think it's some sort of survival mechanism. If we remember the pain and the downs of our lives, I don't know how anyone will be optimistic to live. I have to really sit and think back to the first few weeks to remember how difficult and hard it was. And even with all the thinking and sitting and thinking, I cannot explain or even fully remember the pain. I know it was there. I know it was hard but I can't re-feel the pain. Thank God for creating us so well.

That said, this post is not for ones with weak stomachs. Remember: no sugar coating.

G is the best husband in the world. I don't have any other husbands to compare to, but I truly feel God's love through G. He's such a team player and is always looking out for me. I signed G and I up for a 8 week birthing class on how to deliver naturally. 8 weeks!!! 2.5 hours each week!!! I mean, most men would put up such a fight (I assume - even I didn't want to go to a 8 week class) but not G. Sure, he was groaning a bit but he never made me feel like I was in it alone.

The birthing class taught us how to breath, what relaxation and calming techniques to use, the medical terms on the process of labor, etc. But in the 8 weeks of classes, it never went into detail about these few things during and post pregnancy:

1. POOP. Yes, I mentioned before in my earlier post and I'll mention it again. You'll poop - the human trying to come out will be pushing on all your organs including the colon. FUN. You're stuck with two evils. On one hand, if you don't eat anything before hand, you will be exhausted during your labor. On the other hand, if you eat, you will poop. There's no guarantee that you won't poop if you don't eat either so I went ahead and loaded up on Jack in the Box. I know, I know. I'm sorry for the nurses who had to clean up my shit. Literally. But they do a pretty good job in cleaning up quickly and using a ton of aromatherapy to avoid smells. The beauty of our brain is, at the time of said event, you won't care. You can't care. Every ounce of your body will be focused on getting the human out. And that's more important than your dignity. Sort of. 

2.  EDEMA. Most women do not experience this. Apparently, I just don't know how to push. You can push from your chest - like you're pooping or push from your head - like you're trying to pop your ears. I did the latter. The combination of lots of fluid and antibiotics along with the "incorrect" pushing caused me to blow up. BLOW UP. Not only did my blood vessels explode in my eyes, face, neck and shoulders, all the fluid rushed to my extremities and I looked like a blow up doll - just not the sexy kind. When it feels like death trying to get out of your body, I don't know anyone who consciously thinks about pushing the "correct" way. 

I should have known something was up when I couldn't open my eyes (i thought it was just puffy from crying) and when the midwife told me very gently, "Don't look in the mirror for a few days". And guess what my obedient self did as soon as I got moved to my room? Towel was a good thing to pack and hung well over the mirror for the next few days.

3a.  HEMORRHOIDS. With number one and the pushing in number two combined, it creates the hell that is hemorrhoids. This is the ONE thing that my survival mechanism cannot block out. I can't even begin to explain. And there's just no avoiding it! I mean, you could be lucky and avoid the first two but number three. Number three is something I wish for on the worst of people. like terrorists. This pain in my ass (pun intended) stayed around even wayyyy after the baby - like five months after. You figure all this crap disappears after a few weeks but not this asshole. (Pun unintended). The donut pillow was what saved me from pain. I carried it with me to the hospital when Emma was in the NICU and during her feedings.

3b. POOP. AGAIN. After your body recovers from the initial shock of having a baby, your organs will slowly go back to its normal routine. Including pooping. Unless your poop comes out like water (which in itself is horrible), be ready to welcome hemorrhoids again. Reliving your worst nightmare. Every.single.BM. Drugs and fiber are your friends...my friend. And prayer.

4. DIAPERS/PEE BAG. Mommy diapers. Because pooping in front of people doesn't kill your pride and bring you to your knees, you now get mommy diapers. Since your hooha is tore up from the floor up, you will be bleeding/spotting/peeing without your control. Not to mention that your love cave will be burning/sore/in pain. The hospital will give you mesh granny panties, some witch hazel pads, a peri bottle and pads. Once you've embraced the mommy diapers, you'll figure out what combination will best soothe and heal your lady parts. Hence, you'll need a pee bag with those goodies when you have to go back and forth from the hospital, dr. office, etc. I had a set at home and a set in a giant makeup bag. Never left home without it.

5. POSTPARTUM/HORMONES. I will assume you know about delivering the placenta. No? Real quick. After you've pushed out your baby, you still have contractions to push out the placenta. Some people say it was painful, others don't know it happened but for me, it was painless. Well, I guess comparably to having JUST pushed out a human, a slimy gooyi organ seemed painless. I decided to turn my placenta into pills (save THAT story for another post) and usually you're supposed to get them a few days after your birth - to help with regulating your hormones. But I didn't get them till about a week later and I swear, that first week, I felt crazy. With Emma in the hospital for jaundice, I cried every few hours. Not the pretty movie cry, the snot and sobbing cry. And I was paranoid about SIDS. Hormones made me doubt or second guess myself and also get upset with people who were only trying to help. It made me feel like people were out to tell me I wasn't a good mom. I am one of the ones who had a short postpartum but it's not a myth so if you ever feel depressed, upset, sad, etc. Its encouraged to talk to a professional about it. This is all a part of the process. Like poop.

5. BREASTFEEDING. Last but not least, the most natural and wonderful and amazing thing in the world that every mom has to do!!!! (Please tell me you can hear my sarcasm) In all seriousness, I believe in breastfeeding. Before Emma, my goal/desire was to breastfeed for a year. AT LEAST. after Emma, I made it to two and a half months before I cried tears of joy in deciding to quit breastfeeding. Women on the web are MEAN! Of course, not all women but the ones who are super opinionated, hiding behind a computer screen, trying to push their belief onto others are MEAN! And it's not just about breastfeeding. It's about CIO (cry it out) sleep method, foods to feed, letting kids watch tv, etc. My motto is, if you are doing what you think is best for you and your family, GREAT! I digress. No one tells you that the baby doesn't automatically latch onto your boob after one or two tries. No one tells you that your boobies don't automatically pump milk. No one tells you that your boobies can harden, cause fevers, get clogged ducts and be so painful that you'll trade going through labor again if it meant your boobies never gets any problems. Emma didn't latch well 90% of the time. We had to clip her tongue. We met with consultants. But as much as I loved the skin to skin and bonding that breastfeeding gave to me and Emma, I got to a point where I started resenting my sweet sweet baby girl because she "wasn't doing something". I got clogged ducts on both breasts and I swear on multiple ducts - and to release the pressure, you have to unclog the damn ducts using a sterile pin. A PIN!!! I pricked my boobs so many times and it just never helped. You also have to massage giant knots on your breasts that took turns hardening and it hardens up to your armpits where you can't put your arms down. I sobbed while breastfeeding so much, that G just put his foot down and "forced" me to quit. And when I agreed to quit, a HUGE HUGE load was lifted off my shoulders.

I mean, I can go on for hours about breastfeeding and how horrible it was for me. But when I get baby number two, I hope for a different experience. My friends were able to breastfeed for over a year with very minimal pain. Some can't make it to a month. Everyone is different and once I accepted that going to formula did not make me a bad mother, it made me a happier mom, wife and person. The decision is up to you and no one should be able to judge you on your decision. Again, if its best for you and your family, GREAT!

7. Last but not least, SEX. (Emma, go play somewhere for a bit and come back when you're 30) Ladies. Here is my belief: the stronger and happier your marriage, the happier the family. I am a mother but I am also a wife, daughter, sister and friend. I can't disregard the last four and focus on being only a mother. For six weeks, you cannot have sex. Most people say you don't want to, but "most people" just might not like sex. For SIX weeks, you have to wait and you imagine the first time you have sex after the baby, it's going to be like meeting an old friend. HA! Sex is no bueno the first time. As a woman, you don't feel sexy with the extra 10-15 pounds of post baby weight, it can be painful with your hooha still recovering from stitches, your boobies are leaking (again, not sexy), and you can't help but wonder at least once if your baby is okay. Still, practice makes perfect. As a wife to a breathing male, it's important to work through any issues and continue to have that intimate moment with your husband. Sex after baby might not immediately be great but it'll get there.


Now, doesn't this post make you want to go out and make a baby?! All kidding aside, knowing all of this, I will fully and happily volunteer to have a baby number two. Knowing that any woman giving birth is going through one or all of these things gives me strength. Women are strong and going through these similar situations allows us to come together. Emma is the most amazing, beautiful, sweet baby EVER!!! I'm being bias, I know. Still, with all of the horrible things I mentioned above, I would never trade back Emma for my pre-baby, pre-trama self. While you sit at home crying about your ass or boobs, your baby girl will grab your finger and smile and you'll melt and realize she's a gazillion times worth the hell your body went through. God, you're a genius, I tell You. 

The First Week

I'm going to be honest with you. Its only been 5 months since Emma graced us with her presence but I can't remember the detail of the first few months with Emma, nor did I keep track of all the new experiences and things I went through. I don't know a first time mom who kept a journal or kept track of all of their experiences and memories - most of the time, I was a zombie and emotionally frazzled and focused on keeping Emma healthy, alive and in keeping myself from falling apart.

Looking back, the first few months went by fast. I know at the time, each day felt like a week. The first week and a half was draining. I was supposed to be at home, bonding and recovering from being torn apart but I spent that week going back and forth from the hospital, to the labs, to NICU back home and then back to the hospital. Emma had jaundice. Since she was born a month early, she didn't learn how to suck and wasn't eating a lot - or maybe I wasn't making enough milk. Either way, she couldn't flush out the bilirubin and had to go to the hospital. Let me tell you, even though jaundice is a very common and very treatable disease, seeing your newborn wearing those "sunglasses" in a NICU incubator is so heartbreaking! I felt really bad as I was bawling in the NICU while other parents who had babies in worse condition were looking over. I'm sure they woulda traded situations in a heartbeat. Still, without comparing, just going through that makes your heart ache a bit and I don't think its terrible to feel horrible for your baby.

Emma's poor heel.

Emma had to check her blood multiple times to make sure her bilirubin count wasn't going up and that meant heel pricks. They had to draw blood from her heel and she had so many holes in her heels from all the needle pricks. And of course, the labs are at a different location than the doctor's office or the hospital. So imagine going from doctor's office, to the labs, then back home to wait for results, then back to the NICU. All in the first week of coming home. It was emotionally, physically and mentally draining. I am surprised G handled it so well. I seriously cried EVERY few hours - I mean, like snot running, bawling cry. Even at restaurants, esp. when there was a baby in the room. People must have thought that G first beats me up, since my face was still swollen and eyes bloodshot, and then that he must be breaking up with me cuz I was just crying in my food. You'd think "at least you got sleep at night since the baby's in the hospital" - but no. I was pumping every two to three hours to collect as much milk as I could to give to Emma. Otherwise, the nurses would feed her formula. I did pretty good - even waking up in the middle of the night to pump. The mister would wake with me to get me food. Did you know breastfeeding makes you hungry? Like immediately. You'd start pumping and suddenly, its like you haven't eaten anything for days.

So that was my first week - pumping, crying, visiting Emma and crying some more. I'm surprised that I didn't get sick from the lack of sleep and the stress. I could have avoided the whole ordeal if I supplemented a bit at home - and if I knew that babies needed to be woken up every 1.5 to 2 hours to eat. Emma was a month early so all she wanted to do was sleep and not eat. I thought she'd wake on her own.

Anyways, we got the green light to finally go home. After multiple doc visits, lab visits and two separate visits to the NICU, Emma was FINALLY home. The whole experience cost us around 30K (not including the 30K for the actual delivery) pre insurance. We paid a few thousand after insurance covered most of the costs. FEW thousand that could have been saved if only I knew to wake the baby and feed her, even give supplements. People these days are so crazy about breastfeeding that they think its a sin to give your baby formula. That's another post, on another day.

I learned a few things through this experience.
1. Hospitals have awesome pumps and collect as much free things they give to you. (esp. since the visits costs an arm and a leg)
2. Having a supportive husband is the most important to your sanity. Mine's a rockstar.
3. Formula is that helping hand when your boobies are dragging their feet.
4. Donut/airplane pillows are a lifesaver. I had to sit in hospital chairs and my asshole would be in so much pain without it. Seriously, hemorrhoids are the worst! (again, yes, I said it - most women will get them if they have to push a human out of their hooha)

Emma, you're welcome.

The story of Emma Lee

March 31st 2014. The last day before I went on maternity leave.

Emma was scheduled to arrive on April 30th and I had decided to take the four weeks off prior to rest up in the last month of my pregnancy. I had plenty of things to do before the baby came. I wanted to make a few more things such as booties, bibs, stuffed animals and mobiles, etc. I needed to find a pediatrician, do some remodeling at home, and so on. The list went on.

3:30am that morning, I waddle to the bathroom to pee in my hazy state. After I've taken care of business, I get off the seat only to have warm, slightly sticky fluid dribble down my leg. Not enough for me to think my water broke but enough to wonder what the heck it was. I cleaned up and went back to bed only to have these bad cramps that deterred me from sleeping. It kept me up for two hours before it completely disappeared. That was my last "full" night of sleep...

My last day at work was not productive. I had inconsistent cramps and was laying in bed while researching Braxton-hicks contractions and what the likely hood of early labor new moms faced. After a whole days of research, I called my midwife and asked what she thought. "Let's check the fluid just to be sure it's nothing. I'll meet you at the hospital. Please be there by 6pm"

At 6pm, G and I waited for the fluid test results while discussing our dinner plans when voila, the dinner tray appeared. Silly me, I assumed that they were being nice bringing me food since we had to wait an hour for the results but Mr. G knew better. We weren't leaving and we were going to have Emma that night. I was far from ready and she was a month early - considered a preemie. I cried a bit, called my brother to bring over our bags and had a friend install the car seat and after the nurses reassured me that Emma was going to be fine, G and I started betting on the time Emma was going to join us. I was already 4cm dilated. Sweet, only 6 more to go!

9pm. To get my contractions going, they broke my water at 9pm and the clock started. 3 hours went by, and nothing. I power walked 10 laps up and down the hall, and nothing. 3am and nurses decided to give me Pitocin. I had done my research and knew that Pitocin usually caused women to give into getting the epidural. I was unhappy with the drug but I didn't have much of a choice. I was determined to have Emma without the epidural. The nurses came in the room every once in a while to check up on me and each time they came in, they had just missed me going through a contraction. And since I looked comfortable when they checked on me, they continued to up the dosage.

After multiple cat naps - with J and L sleeping on the pull out chair and G sleeping on the floor on a mat (EW) morning rolled around and still NOTHING. A stopped by with coffee and pastries and mom came by as well. 9am check and they find that I had another bag of water. WHAH? After they broke that water, the pitocin hit me like a ton of bricks. 

G. on the floor of the hospital room.

April 1st 2014. Its too difficult to fully explain what happened in the next three hours. I know I cried. A LOT. I must have worn out G from holding onto his arm. I prayed to God. I got mad at people over stupid things. I cried some more. I remember thinking that I'm never going to have a second kid so I'd have to adopt. I wanted someone strong to massage my back. J, L and A did a lot but my contractions were so painful that I couldn't feel anything but that. I remember someone putting cold towels on my head - which I liked. I know L and J were giving me such great words of encouragement. Its been 5 months and I can't really remember the pain. How great God is - allowing us to forget so we can have more kids. haha. Two hours went by and in the third hour I had to push - I felt like I was using all of my energy to do nothing. I couldn't tell if there was any progress. I do remember that I pooped. (Yes I said it - it happens to almost every woman pushing out a baby.) At that point, I think I was completely naked anyways. Nothing like a human coming out of your hooha to make all your dignity disappear. Plus, I was completely out of it and pushing with my head and ruptured all the blood vessels in my head - my eyes were bloodshot and my whole face swollen. I was NOT a pretty sight. Finally at 12:06pm, our Emma bear joined our family of two! She was 6lbs 3oz, 19 inches and just the cutest baby ever! G got to cut the cord and help catch Emma. There was a lot of smiles, crying, encouragement and just JOY. Its unbelievable how your whole life changes in that instant. I forgot how hard labor was. I forgot that I was naked. I forgot that I couldn't open my eyes from it being so swollen. I forgot that all these people saw me at my most vulnerable. I forgot that I was exhausted and drained. All I could think about is that Emma was here. I was a momma to this beautiful girl. She was this tiny little thing on my chest and I couldn't believe that she was here. I look back and I hope I got to enjoy every moment of it. And remember I said I was going to have to adopt? Just a few hours later in our room, I told G that I would go through everything again to have Emma - that she was worth it all. 

Dearest Emma Lee